It’s a frustrating truth to accept, but there are some things people simply don’t know. From our perspective, this lack of knowledge can come across as hateful and bigoted, among other things. Yet, it’s an absence of understanding rather than an intention to harm or oppress. What’s even more challenging than accepting this is extending a hand to help others gain better understanding and make more informed decisions.

Here’s the thing: as much as we want to get angry at people whose actions hurt someone—whether motivated by hate or not—anger is an unproductive response. In fact, anger tends to push people further away. If you point a finger or yell at someone, their first instinct is to become defensive. Once someone becomes defensive, there’s really no reasoning with them. This is especially true if your anger is keeping you from staying logical and objective about the topic at hand.

During my time as a teacher, I have had to introduce a lot of controversial topics to my students while maintaining strong boundaries. Additionally, I have had to guide students through projects and papers arguing for ideas I fundamentally disagreed with. Since I’m not all that keen on getting fired, I have had to learn how to walk the line between challenging my students and their ideas and creating a safe space for them to express myself. But I completely understand that this is wildly uncharted territory for most people.

In his article in Psychology Today, Matt Hudson asks his readers to think about a time when someone tried to change their mind with shouting or shaming. It doesn’t work.

He goes on to say, “Our goals in difficult conversations should generally be to 1) Protect the relationship with that person, and 2) to increase your understanding and increase the chances that you will be understood. These goals are much harder than exploding.” It’s helpful to continue reminding ourselves of these two goals throughout an argument. They can keep us grounded when emotions start bubbling (or even surging) to the surface. I love that he points out that this method is the harder of the two options.

Another issue that puts people on the defensive is being talked down to. Unfortunately, this is how people often respond to those who don’t know as much as them. This is why teenagers hate most adults.

When asked about debate tactics, Wharton psychologist Adam Grant explains, “If you’re confident the other person has something to gain from your argument, treat them as an equal. Skilled negotiators—the ones who are most effective at changing other people’s minds—are better at finding common ground and ask more questions than average negotiators.” In other words, you need to connect with the person you’re arguing with. You need to treat them with respect, even if their arguments make you want to gag or cry.

I get it. It can feel like giving in or giving up. It’s a counter-intuitive process, debating with someone we strongly disagree with. What feels like the right thing to do actually strengthens your opponent’s convictions. What feels like rolling over actually keeps their defenses down and make them listen to what you’re saying. And let me be clear: you don’t have to agree with them. Stay true to your ideas and your own convictions. But also be respectful and really hear what the other person has to say.

So, as we approach Thanksgiving after an election year, try to keep these things in mind. Too many families have distanced themselves from one another because they didn’t know how to handle these debates effectively. People who do often find that they even have a lot of similar ideas and beliefs. They’re just approaching them from very different perspectives.

That’s not to say everyone is going to handle these conversations well. Sometimes we just gotta let our great-uncle grumble in the corner about how the youths ruined his favorite beer. But we can still love them from afar and guard ourselves from being hurt by their opinions.

Take a deep breath and keep standing up for what you believe is right. Just remember to keep that blood pressure down as much as possible!