As often as I’m able with a toddler and husband who works long hours, I attend a Wednesday night workshop for writers. It’s a group of six or more people to whom you read 15 minutes of your writing, followed by 5 minutes of critiques from everyone in the room. And let me tell you, it can be rough to have your work critiqued like this. But learning to handle criticism and feedback as a writer is probably one of the most important skills to learn if you want to one day be a successful author. And today we are going to talk about how to do just that.

Before we jump into it, I want to clarify what I mean by criticism and feedback. These are responses from an audience (readers or listeners) meant to help you understand your readers’ perspective better and/or work on some important aspect of your writing skills, like description or dialogue. This does not include mean or rude comments about your work, or anything that wouldn’t help you grow as a writer. Someone telling you “I hate this” or “this is stupid” isn’t critiquing you, they’re just being a jerk.

Still, even constructive and well-meaning criticism is hard to take, especially for new writers. Even for seasoned writers, you might have a scene that you absolutely love and to hear that it doesn’t work somehow or needs to be totally scrapped is a huge blow. But, while there won’t ever be a cure for those sensitive to criticism, I have some tips to help you. What’s great about these tips is that they don’t just work for writers, they can fit into any and all aspects of your life where you might receive feedback on your work.

#1- Embrace the growth mindset:

There are two main mindsets people have: a fixed mindset that makes you believe your skills and abilities are unchangable, and a growth mindset that makes you believe that skills and abilities can be approved through effort. If someone tells you “your syntax is confusing,” and you take this personally, then its highly likely you have fixed mindset.

Unfortunately, not enough schools and educators help their students develop a growth mindset. This often creates adults who become stuck in their ways, believing there is nothing they can do to fix anything. But that’s simply not true.

Having a growth mindset allows you to realize that nothing is set in stone. If your syntax is confusing, with enough time and practice, you will make it clear. You just have to put in the time and effort, and listen to those around you willing to give you feedback. Yes, there will be some growing pains, but those are good for you.

#2- Practice Active Listening

Often when we listen, we aren’t really hearing what people are saying. Or even worse, we fill in ideas between the lines that the person speaking to us didn’t mean at all. When someone is giving you critism on your writing, or feedback of any sort on your work, really listen to what they are saying. We often will jump to conclusions or get defensive about something, which is probably why my workshop group doesn’t allow the writer to talk during the critique stage.

With active listening, you also have to concider the perspective of the person, if you have a chance to get to know them beforehand. For instance, if I am reading a fantasy piece and getting critiques from romance and sci-fi writers, there are going to be some ideas that don’t necessarily apply to my given genre, which brings me to my next point:

#3- Filter Through Feedback

There are three types of feedback: actionable, subjective, or irrelevant. Actionable feedback is something you can get to work straight away on, jumping back into your writing or doing research to become more knowledgable in the topic. Then, there’s subjective, which is what I was alluding to earlier with the different genre writers. Subjective feedback may apply to your work, or at the very least be something for you to keep in mind for another piece you write, but it may just be something you have to set it aside.

And then there is irrelevant feedback. This can be well-meaning or straight up rude. An example of well-meaning feedback I received from every person in the room was to change a demon into a chicken for my comedic fantasy book. Everyone got so excited about the idea of the main character being scared of the chicken, but no one seemed to realize that the situation at hand was suppose to be serious with a comedic lens. No harm, no foul… no pun intended.

#4- Learn to Appreciate Feedback

This might be a hard pill to swallow, but feedback is actually good for you. It’s one of the best ways for us to learn how to improve in so many areas of our lives. Without feedback, I wouldn’t be half as good of a teacher as I am now. Without feedback, I would still be using passive tense throughout my stories like a madwoman. Without feedback, I never would have self-published my first novel.

What’s so great about receiving feedback and criticism is that you can fail and someone will be there to support you, pointing you in the right direction. I don’t put red marks all over my students’ papers because I’m sadistic. It’s because I want them to become the best writers and thinkers they can be. Learn to love feedback and soon you’ll see what a valuable asset it is to your every day life.

#5- Keep Track of Praises

We can often get so lost in all the parts to fix and other things we view negatively that we end up tuning out the good stuff. For instance, I had a chapter absolutely picked apart by my writer’s workshop that I almost didn’t even hear one of the writers say, “You’re imagery is flawless.” This was coming from someone who has several published novels and awards for his writing. It was such a huge compliment, and I almost missed it.

But even for the praises that we don’t miss, we need to be sure to keep track of those things. If we are constantly focused only on what we need to fix, we can feel bogged down by it. Keeping in mind those things we are doing well will help keep us motivated to improve, knowing we can reach new heights with the skills we’re not so good at yet.

So, if you can keep these five tips in mind, I guarantee you that receiving criticism and feedback will become so much easier. The discomfort won’t ever completely go away, especially for projects super near and dear to your heart, but following these tips will certainly soften the blow.