Recently, there was a post circling around Reddit written by a man who felt betrayed by his wife for writing a book on her lunch break that earned $100,000. Some have said that this was a fake post, but the number of women who have spoken up on other social media sites, including Reddit, about their own similar experiences has me a bit concerned, not only as a writer but as a wife and friend of many creative women. While I’m grateful for my husband in general, it’s sad that I have to be grateful that he also supports me as a writer. 

In my experience, both personally and as a third party observer, there are so many strong, creative women in relationships that are stifling them or bringing them down. I have even had friends tell me that they feel like they’ll have to give up their creative pursuits when they get into a serious relation, and if not then, definitely when they have kids. And the majority of women speaking to this experience of having their success in writing shot down have young children that the husband is expecting them to care for in an unequal arrangement. These women can have full-time jobs to pay the bills AND be the soul care taker of the children, sure. But when they pursue creativity and passion? Well, those bitches are just being selfish.

It’s truly incredible to me how so many women I know, including a younger version of myself, who are willing to sacrifice their passions for their partner or husband, or at the very least, do it in secret (and of course, I am just speaking from my own experience, which may be quite different from others). And I think a big part of this is the stigma that’s still on writing, especially for women. All of these brilliant writers, whether they are going to be published or not, are having to write in secret from their partners and families like we’re still in the days of “The Yellow Wallpaper.” And this is unacceptable.

Listen, there are things we keep private, especially from family (my weird friends from college know what I’m talking about), but writing, or whatever it is that you’re passionate about, isn’t one of them. So if you haven’t shared your writing life with your family yet, I would encourage you to share this holiday season. If they don’t like it, then you can just go ahead and remind them all the annoying and/or weird stuff they do that you have to put up with. And it’s important to remember that, as a family, y’all are all stuck with your own strange, confusing passions and interests, along with all the other garbage we have to deal with.

When it comes to partners, be it girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, or that person you just live and bang it out with, you need to be open and honest with them about who you are and the things you enjoy doing. There’s no person in the world who is special or important enough for you to change who you are for. We all deserve people who build us up rather than hold us down, and you deserve to live your truth and explore your passions. If you are in a relationship with someone who you have to hide your passions from (or, even more so, if they are actively trying to stop you), then there are actions you need to take to care for yourself. What you decide to do is up to you, but here are some options: have an open discussion with your partner (one or both parties might need to be prepped on this), seek professional help through a marriage counselor or family therapist, or leave this person if things cannot be resolved through communication.

No matter what shape or form your writing life takes, whether you want to become the next bestselling author or if you enjoy writing fanfic of your favorite TV show, you need to be honest about who you are. And if you know someone who is a writer or who is pursuing a passion that few people understand, be sure to be supportive of them. Listen, my family thinks I’m crazy for wanting to be a writer, especially because of the subjects I choose to write about, but I’m glad they know so I can be open and honest with who I am. And my husband? He’s my biggest cheerleader for my writing career (and also an editor/proofreader and brainstorming buddy). Whoever you are hiding your craft from may be that for you someday, too.